Google ate my comment, again. I'm beginning to think that maybe I am doing something wrong on the keyboard.
Right.
Short form, this time.
I have two bits of constructive feedback for you.
First, I was pulled out of this poem, unfortunately, because of a logical disconnect.
Sure, emotions are real. And emotions not only affect our moods, but they can effect our physical selves. Fine.
But, is an emotional cramp real in the way that it has physical existence? Like a cramp in your hand? Horatio wouldn't think so, and neither do I. And as I stopped to ponder that, I left your poem, which is not what you want. So, I might suggest reworking either the third or the fourth line.
My second issue was with the picture (...which, I note, has no crediting, or permission, so I presume you must have taken it yourself...) which you paired with your poem.
Does that picture of a pyroclastic flow and explosive eruption mesh with the verb bubbled?
Not to me...
Bubbled is fine in the poem, if that is the mental image that you want to conjure, although most things, when lanced, don't just bubble, they jet out, explosively... ...but, if you pair your simile with an incongruous image... people will wonder, and leave your poem, again.
I hope that you don't mind the feedback. It is intended to be helpful, not hurtful.
I can see where you are going with this poem, and where the words are leading you... its just that the words, and the image, took me out of your space, and I am sure that you would want to know that.
I have the same problem, myself. I am still debating my use of "grace" on my third haiku for this week's 3WW. Tough stuff, poetry.
hello again chris... criticism is constructive...so i dont mind it at all. the picture is from a stock site i subscribe to... which doesn't require any crediting.
emotional cramps are real.. you can feel them physically... trust me, i have. and i hope you never have to go through it...
Im an amateur at poetry, at 18 i feel i have a lot to learn
Grrr.
ReplyDeleteGoogle ate my comment, again. I'm beginning to think that maybe I am doing something wrong on the keyboard.
Right.
Short form, this time.
I have two bits of constructive feedback for you.
First, I was pulled out of this poem, unfortunately, because of a logical disconnect.
Sure, emotions are real. And emotions not only affect our moods, but they can effect our physical selves. Fine.
But, is an emotional cramp real in the way that it has physical existence? Like a cramp in your hand? Horatio wouldn't think so, and neither do I. And as I stopped to ponder that, I left your poem, which is not what you want. So, I might suggest reworking either the third or the fourth line.
My second issue was with the picture (...which, I note, has no crediting, or permission, so I presume you must have taken it yourself...) which you paired with your poem.
Does that picture of a pyroclastic flow and explosive eruption mesh with the verb bubbled?
Not to me...
Bubbled is fine in the poem, if that is the mental image that you want to conjure, although most things, when lanced, don't just bubble, they jet out, explosively... ...but, if you pair your simile with an incongruous image... people will wonder, and leave your poem, again.
I hope that you don't mind the feedback. It is intended to be helpful, not hurtful.
I can see where you are going with this poem, and where the words are leading you... its just that the words, and the image, took me out of your space, and I am sure that you would want to know that.
I have the same problem, myself. I am still debating my use of "grace" on my third haiku for this week's 3WW. Tough stuff, poetry.
Tschuess,
Chris
hello again chris...
ReplyDeletecriticism is constructive...so i dont mind it at all.
the picture is from a stock site i subscribe to... which doesn't require any crediting.
emotional cramps are real.. you can feel them physically... trust me, i have. and i hope you never have to go through it...
Im an amateur at poetry, at 18 i feel i have a lot to learn
thanks for the feedback
I could visualize the emotional cramp form the mental abuse. Oh boy emotional cramps are for real or what!
ReplyDelete